Today I saw police lights blaring in front of the campus theater, and instead of thinking “oh no, an emergency”, I thought, “oh how interesting, I wonder if that’s an installation or performance piece about the role of the police in campus culture”, and I think that’s how I know that I’m spending way too much time with the art department.
Whilst spray painting today I somehow managed to spray a few strands of my hair white, so I guess I kind of know what my hair will look like in fifteen or twenty years. I don’t dislike it.
work in progress sculpture thing for class (there’s still a major component missing)
I’ve learned a lot about how to not fuck up in the woodshop in the past few days
most fridays I hang out with a bunch of cool kids online and we draw various renditions of franz ferdinand
Additional surprises in the studio today: a bathroom installation that caught me off guard when I really had to pee
walk into the studio to find that someone has stuck all the chairs in the rafters as part of their assignment
ah, art school
It’s increasingly apparent to me that the next challenge of my Confused Young Adult life is figuring out how to pursue things fully and eagerly, while not completely sabotaging other parts of my life. This whole “balance” thing. I do not understand balance.
There was the time I Tried Very Hard to Be Competent at Drawing, at the exclusion of learning How to Be Remotely Socially Competent, which led to a kind of social isolation that I didn’t know how to cope with except to Try Very Hard to Lose Weight, which went pretty well until my body ran out of tolerance for what my mind was trying to do, but it was a little late because by then I’d completely lost touch with my body’s signals and since then I’ve been trying to govern my appetite by various extremes of purity/restriction and excess that have very little to do with what the body actually wants. I honestly doubt I’m ever going to have a healthy relationship with food, or at least that it’s going to take a good long time before some of my more damaging behaviors go extinct, as they say in psychology.
Even more lately, I’ve decided simply Not To Try At All, as if to make up for twenty years spent boring into books, if nothing else, as if the things would save me. It turns out I’m probably too rigorous to Not Try, because Not Trying kind of became a competition with myself to see how farcical I could be in performing apathy, which of course, is actually an extreme kind of Trying Very Hard Indeed. I’ve spent inordinate amounts of time deliberately being social, only to realize that I’m a taciturn little fuck anyway and I need the silence as much as I need the glut of repartee and polite laughter and genuine human interaction.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how the behaviors our guardians model for us in some ways circumscribe the possibilities we see for ourselves in our own lives. An important figure modeled a particular kind of life for me, and it troubles me to see myself reproducing those patterns, because at least I’m self aware enough to see that my guardian is not happy with where she is. It’s not really her fault. It’s not really my fault either. I just know that, until recently, it didn’t even occur to me that there was a way to live your life that didn’t involve sacrificing entire parts of yourself. That sure, it’s pragmatic to lay your emotional or physical well being at the wayside while you achieve this or that, but it might just be even more pragmatic to develop a long-term strategy where you don’t fuck yourself up just to get where you want to be.
It must be theoretically possible. I just kind of wonder how.
brown rice ramen with shitake mushrooms, kale, salmon, and some wild chives I picked from the patch outside the art history building on campus whoop
after I shot this some peanut-fish-soy-rice vinegar sauce got mixed in too